What would your life look like if you could tell people no without feeling like you were going to explode with guilt?
I used to over-explain like crazy instead of saying no. I would come up with elaborate – albeit true – reasons why I couldn’t possibly do the thing I was being asked to do, like go to an event, or go to do something social, or attend the holiday party I was filled with dread by.
And the amount of extra energy those mental gymnastics take is measurable. Even thinking about those mental gymnastics while writing this post has me holding my breath, my shoulders are up by my ears, and I’m biting the inside of my lip. All of my tells that I’m stressed. Life is worth more than that! We don’t have to over-explain ourselves to be accepted.
It most certainly is uncomfortable to tell others no at first, especially if you’ve been trained and raised/conditioned to self-sacrifice to be accepted or to have worth. I’ve been there. And it can be really uncomfortable. It’s okay to admit that.
And if you no longer want to live this way, that is okay too!
Like any new skill you learn, it’s not easy at first. Like riding a bike – we don’t just know how. It takes practice, regularly, to figure it out. And sometimes you’re going to mess up, sometimes you are going to trip over yourself and fall. So what do we do then? Baby steps?
I find it amusing when people reference baby steps as something small
Baby steps are some of the bravest and boldest things in this entire world! Babies will fall hundreds, if not thousands, of times before they successfully start walking. Does the number of their falls deter them from trying again? NO! That’s what makes them so absolutely incredible. Despite all of their “reasons” to give up – all the times they have landed on their bottom, knees, and face – those babies are DETERMINED to try again!
What if we took this same perspective to our lives? What if we stood back up even when we fall? A fall is not failure.
So, how does this relate to us saying no?
The first several times, our voice might shake. We might have sweaty hands. We might feel sick and want to give in – because “it will be easier for us to just do what they want, even if we don’t want to, and it hurts us in the process. We’ve done it before.” Sound familiar?
Isn’t it interesting how the feeling of self-abandonment feels more familiar than the feeling of self-respect and self-trust?
Each time we speak our truth, and we don’t abandon ourselves, we develop self-trust, and this is pivotal. Crucial. Especially when we’ve been taught to abandon. Prioritizing others’ needs above our own has been glorified and praised for far too long.
So, the next time someone asks you to do something you really don’t want to do, I want you to think about what it would feel like to say no instead. I want you to think about how it will feel AFTER. After you’ve successfully said no and held your boundary and protected yourself.
When you realize you stood up for yourself, when you aren’t exhausted from the event you didn’t have the energy to go to. When you didn’t have to be around your creepy uncle, who always makes inappropriate comments about your body. How will it feel to say no? How will it feel to do what you need and want to do?
I want you to think about it.
Journal about it.
How will you feel?
What will you see?
What will you hear?
Then tell me how you feel about it. I can’t wait to hear your experience!